Posted by: Cathy | January 23, 2010

When?

Awesome photo of Delmace from a beautiful book Renee made me for my birthday... She is such a great photographer...

When?

When will I be able to stop worrying? When will I really and truly know that he is safe? When will I be able to wrap my arms around him again and hold him tight? When will I be able to kiss his sweet little face?

When will he be coming home? When will it be his turn?

So many kids have come home in the past few days – but not D.

The plane of kids airlifted to Pittsburg earlier in the week – that was the orphanage that is handling my adoption…  Other families I’ve met through blogging – families also adopting from Haiti, families that I have come to know as I’ve followed their adoption journeys – their kids are coming home.  One arrived yesterday.  Three more this morning…  And while I am so incredibly happy for them and their families, I also have a really hard time fighting back the tears because it’s not Delmace.

And the bottom line is – I have no idea when it will be Delmace’s turn – or if he’ll actually get a turn… I want to believe that he will – but how can I be sure?  They’re letting lots of kids in – kids no farther along in the process than me and D…  But many of them are what they consider “critical cases”…  Kids whose orphanages were totally destroyed; kids who are sleeping outside, on the ground; kids whose orphanages are running out of food & water; kids who were hurt, or are getting sick… I am so thankful that he is NOT in one of those categories, but…

I still want him here now.

After the reports of a major aftershock on Wednesday – and the news that it had done further damage to the Wings building, I was so relieved to hear that the directors had managed to find another building to rent just up the road.  A building that was relatively new, and had sustained no damage from either the initial earthquake or the numerous aftershocks…  But ever since they moved – I feel the distance more than ever…

At this point, they are not getting internet access in the new location – and I feel like I have lost my lifeline.  Their posts and updates assured me that he was OK…  They didn’t even have to write anything – just seeing their “online” status was enough to calm my fears… But now – I haven’t heard from any of them since Thursday afternoon – and it’s killing me… I’m afraid to leave the computer for too long… I’m constantly checking my facebook to see whose online, afraid if I don’t, I’ll miss the little green circle next to one of their names…

People keep telling me to be patient, that his time will come – I really want to believe that, to trust everything happens for a reason, to trust that when it’s right – things will all fall into place…

But… But… But… But then the doubts start… What if I’m supposed to be doing something else to help the process along? Diana, my adoption coordinator, says she’s waiting for a “window” – a good time to get my case and the cases of 8 other “non-critical” kids heard… But what if that “window” never opens? What if it already opened – and we missed it? This is Haiti we’re dealing with – and in Haiti, the rules change all the time…

I don’t know what to do.

Should I prepare for his arrival? Like it’s imminent? Rush to finish getting his room ready? Run out and buy all the things he doesn’t have yet, that I know he’ll need? A part of me really wants to do that…  And, while the distraction factor would probably be good, I just can’t…  Because, what if it doesn’t happen?  That would just be too hard to deal with.

And so, I guess all I can do is just keep waiting – and worrying… And staying close to my computer… And hoping… And trusting… And praying…

Please, God – let today be his day…

I love you, D… I love more than you can ever possibly imagine…

Mwen renmen ou.

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Responses

  1. We will not stop fighting for you and others who are still waiting. Please tell us what we can do to help. Our friend Jason is flying to Haiti in a few days to try and get their daughter out. In our moments of joy and beauty we DO NOT forget your brokenness. We pray and pray for you and your heart as you fight to get your son home. Again tell us anyway we can help.

    • Thanks, Kim… Hopefully I’ll be able to experience what you experienced yesterday soon – really soon, I hope…
      Loved all the pictures of Frankie at the airport – he looked great!


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